The S.T.O.P. Practice

Tell me I’m not the only one who’s experienced this … that moment where the emotions are running high and you feel like you’re about to flip your lid, blow a head gasket, say something you know you’ll later regret. I’m sure I’m not alone. Mindfulness can help and specifically the S.T.O.P. practice can help us at those very moments of emotional reactivity.

It’s a gem of a practice that strengthens our ability to respond rather than react. It takes no more than about 30 seconds, if that. No one need know you’re doing it. You don’t need to be in a special place and it can be done anywhere, at any time, for any reason. Wherever you are, you simply Stop, Take a breath, Observe (body sensations, emotions, thoughts, sounds, sights, anything else in the present moment), and Proceed.

Having little reminders to do it regularly throughout the day can be helpful as it will become a habit you can access any time you’re experiencing emotional reactivity, or even when you want to pause and transition between one activity and another.

So many people have told me the S.T.O.P. practice has made a major impact on their ability to handle stressful events. I know it has for me too.

Mindfulness of the Body

A foundational element of mindfulness is being mindful and aware of the body. We can do that in formal meditation practice and we can do it informally throughout our day. An easy gateway to becoming mindful of the body's sensations is through everyday activities such as walking, exercising, dancing, and any general movement. As we do that activity, we can become curious in a non-judgmental way about the sensations created in the body by doing those movements. So, if you're keen to become more mindful, how about starting with being present for the sensations you can feel in the body through general movement.

How Much is Enough?

When my husband and I got married nearly 16 years ago, we asked for donations to a charity instead of gifts. The words on the wedding invitation said, “We know we’re very lucky to have our health, a great country to live in, and each other. So, instead of giving us a gift, we’re happy to encourage you to consider spending that money on a charity that is doing amazing work.”

Why did we do this? We did it because we felt that, by meeting and marrying, we were already enough; there was nothing more we needed.

Do you get the sense that, as humans, we’re always wanting more? The world’s first billionaire, John D. Rockefeller, answered the question, “How much is enough?” with “Just a little bit more”.

So, my question and the topic of this week’s Mindful Minute video (the last one for 2021) is 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩?

As we head into this traditional time of indulgence, perhaps pausing for moments at a time, asking ‘how much is enough?’, and waiting to hear the answer might result in greater happiness.

Thank you for your engagement and conversations throughout this year. I look forward to connecting again in the New Year! Stay safe. Jen

How We Spend Our Time

Sometimes we just have to do things we don't want to do.

But is there a way we can do them without the angst? Maybe that's by really being present for the activity and noticing what's new/different/enjoyable/comforting in it? Maybe it's a training in acceptance of things that are outside of our control.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes about his memories of washing dishes as a novice monk:

"Washing the dishes is at the same time a means and an end. We do the dishes not only in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them, and to be truly in touch with life."

Still, it's worth considering whether there are 'draining' activities we can do less of and 'nourishing' activities we can do more of. For everything else, maybe we can experiment with a different way of being with those activities.

Trying and "failing"

Is striving for perfection holding you back from giving things a go? Oh, the “frenemy” of perfectionism. Sometimes striving for the highest standard possible is important, and there’s a joy that comes with that achievement. At other times it’s the enemy, stopping us from learning, connection, and expansion.

For me, when I was a classical musician, I lived in the world of perfectionism—every note had to be precise. During my rehearsals, I set a personal standard where I had to play a concerto three times perfectly. If I played even a single off note, then the set of three would start again. That’s a high bar to reach. Then I’d repeat that during every rehearsal. And, in that context, maybe that was the way to achieve the required musical standard.

But, there have also been times for me when striving for such high standards has been utterly counter-productive, time-wasting, alienating and inhibiting any real productivity (e.g. spending ages trying to find the right colour for the cell of a spreadsheet 🙄).

With awareness, we learn when and how to adjust that dial. Mindfulness is awareness; it’s noticing the inner voice that holds us back from experimenting, when we favour competition over connection, or when we use perfectionism as a protective barrier to avoid more challenging emotions (I know that has been/is the case for me).

Today’s Mindful Minute video is about giving things a go. Whenever you hear the word "fail" in the video, pop it in air quotes. We don’t “fail” when we’re not hitting the highest goals, but how often does our fear of “failure” stop us from actually starting something?

I’d love to hear your experience of this!

Pausing Before Responding

My daughter asked me the other day if we could get her some paints. I said yes. But, let’s slow time down and look at what went on inside of me in the second or two between the end of hearing the question and giving my answer.

I first felt a contraction in my stomach and I noticed I held my breath. In a flash, I remembered all the younger years of mess, my time cleaning it up, paint on all the surrounding surfaces. Money spent on paints that ended up dried and unused in drawers and in the garage. I wanted to cry 𝘯𝘰𝘰𝘰𝘰𝘰𝘰𝘰𝘰𝘰. We’re never buying paints again. End of story!

And then I remembered to breathe. And with that breath, I also had the flash of remembering the beautiful and magnificent artwork by Natalia Fidyka in Suzanne Waldron’s new book Sleeping Giants: A calling to life. I remembered how Brené Brown used to haughtily think to herself when her friends were doing art ‘you do your A-R-T while I do my J-O-B’ as though being busy in a job was a more noble pursuit (she no longer thinks that). I remembered that I want my kids to be creative and spend less time on devices, and though music is more my creative thing (it’s not messy), I remembered that my daughter is not me. I remembered that the past is the past. Painting may have been unpleasant (for me as the parent) in the past, but that doesn’t mean it will be unpleasant for me in the future.

And so we bought the paint. That afternoon, she blissfully painted, humming to the music she was listening to, and I felt the joy that comes from pausing, checking in, and making a wiser choice than the reactive one I was first inclined to do.

The topic of today’s Mindful Minute is Pausing Before Responding. Inspired by my precious daughter.

This is what she created with the paints. So glad I didn't go with that instant reflexive reaction.

Mindful Eating

I’ve had a fraught relationship with food over the years. I experienced some challenges in my childhood, and I didn’t have the tools to deal with those difficulties in a helpful way. I know I’m not alone.

Food gave a temporary feeling of satisfaction or relief. There was something about the taste or the feeling of being full that was comforting somehow. Turning to food as a proxy for actual help became a habit.

Becoming more mindful was the turning point. One way of describing mindfulness is ‘seeing clearly’. Seeing food as food and not as a crutch or support. Seeing emotions as emotions without adding on a layer of judgment. Seeing life’s challenges as something I could address in a meaningful way, albeit at times confronting.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous video, I also make a little commitment every day to practice contentment. That’s now become an ingrained part of my life, so when I notice myself wanting more, I’m now inclined to pause, take a breath, remind myself of my commitment to having only what I need and no more than that, checking in to see what's really going on, and then deciding from there what the wisest action is to take. This is relevant for more than just food.

Sure, at times I trip up, make poor choices, and be utterly imperfectly human, but this isn’t a linear journey.

So, even if food is not something you’ve ever had challenges with, it could be the entryway to trying out this thing called mindfulness. Being present for the act of eating as I explain how in the video – even if it’s for just one bite.

Don't Wait

My father was bitten by a taipan a few years ago when he was in his mid 80’s. Yep, one of the world's deadliest snakes that was in his living room one evening.

The thing is, I didn’t know my father all that well. He and my mum separated just before I turned one, and I didn’t see him again for a very long time. I remember meeting him briefly in passing on the street as a 13 year old then not again until I was an adult. Even then, I barely knew him; we were more like acquaintances.

I always planned to get to know him properly. Someday I’ll make contact, and we’ll get to know each other. Someday I’ll ask him the questions I’d always wanted answers to. But I didn’t get around to it.

And then I got the news the taipan had bitten him. We didn’t know if he was going to live, and I suddenly came face to face with the realisation that I may never know him. I felt dreadful. Shocked at what had happened to him. Scared of what lay ahead for him and very sad for both of us.

But, despite it being a while before he could receive the anti-venom (he needed to go by ambulance to one hospital then airlifted to another to receive it), he survived. Truly incredible! So, as soon as he’d recovered, and with his permission, I booked a flight to North Queensland where he lives and spent five wonderful days with him.

The taipan shocked me into action. My dad got what he'd hoped for my entire life - the chance to get to know his daughter. And the hole of wondering and sadness inside of me was replaced with answers and connection.

Today’s video in #TheMindfulMinute series is about not waiting, inspired by my father and by Frank Ostaseski’s book ‘The Five Invitations’, the first of which is ‘Don’t Wait’.

With mindfulness, we can step out of the craziness of life and gain greater awareness. We create that little gap where the light of what’s important to us shines through.

What’s important to you to do? Can you do it, or start on it, now?

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆’𝒔 𝒏𝒐 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆.

Drop the Story and Feel the Feelings

Do you ever get the sense that the stress or anxiety we feel might just be perpetuated by the story we tell ourselves of how others have wronged us or how we've messed up? Today's Mindful Minute video offers a way of more quickly finding a sense of calm. As with all the videos, it's an invitation to experiment with it and try it on for size. I'll expand on this topic in future videos.